unnerving sadness

Today it's extreme sadness and nausea.. o can't even pinpoint its origin. 

Almost 2 yrs

Hes been by my side for what will be 2 yrs next month. He has been there for one of the hardest times I have had. His family loves me and I am slowly getting to know his friends. My family loves him.. well most of them do anyway. He is my lifeforce. He is who I love above all else. He treats be like no one ever has, I crave him and his love for me. I know I see a future with him, im just still hoping he sees one with me

He loves me for me but not enough to tell anyone

if only

I share this excerpt from an entrance on the Tumblr account "other people's love letters". from an entrance entitled "if..."

"Sometimes I wish that I never knew you. Like a child allowed chocolate just once, then never again, I’ve struggled to find satisfaction in a world of unshared pleasures. Yes, I have shared many things with many people - but my soul has always ached for you. I remember how strangely you were acting in our last week together. So strangely that I even asked to myself, you were thinking of “doing something silly. Strangely though, when you left, I had to stop myself from shouting out and running to you and holding you and telling you the words that choke me still, I love you

That's for you, R.

Someone in my extended family made my mom cry tonight. Thus making all of us cry. :(

sometimes I miss you so much it hurts. I literally ache from missing you so much. 

My brain tells me I can do better but my heart tells me I don't want better..

You ruined rainy days for me..

Crazy

I hate being that girl he said he has feelings for but refuses to do anything about. it drives me crazy.

I'm tired of being the girl guys see as a friend and only a friend. I want a guy to actually love to miss me when I'm gone. hell, I want a guy who thinks about me as much as I think about him

my Top 2 Most Emabarrassing moments

1: when I was maybe 12 or 13 i went to a water park with my aunt and cousin for a day of fun. My cousin is quite a bit younger than me and needed someone to ride with her. so i did. it was one of those rides that whips around really fast in all kinds of directs. well anyway, when we got to the front of the line the guy told me i could ride because I was pregnant. at the time i weighed no more that 145lbs and had size D breasts in a loose fit shirt.  after i told him i wasn't pregnant and that i was only 13 he apologized and let me on. but people watched me.. it was horrible had to be my most embarrassing moment yet.

2: The moment i told my best friend I was in love with him. He was having a bad day and asked why people in general liked him. I started out with a few things i like about him and he was ok with it, but when i told him there was more he was speechless. He was okay with it at first but after that he stopped textin me as much and we started to hang out even less than we were before which was hardly at all anyway. Its been 2 years and our relationship has almost recovered at one time but has dwindled down to basically nothing, he doesnt even respond to texts anymore. He broke my heart.

the man of our dreams

I want to meet a nice guy.
I don't want anyone with issues.
I don't want to love anyone that doesn't love me.
Because I know in my heart and everywhere else that there HAS to be someone for me out there. I can just imagine what he's like.
He'll snuggle with me and tell me I'm beautiful.
He'll play with my hair when we're sitting next to one another.
He'll laugh at my jokes and tell jokes to me that I'll laugh at.
He'll love my family and especially my mother.
He'll fit right in with the "Carlson Clan".
He'll be tall so I just "fit" into his hugs.
He'll know when I need to cry to him and when I just need to talk things out of my head.
He'll help me feel comfortable with myself.
He'll love all my cooking/baking/knitting.
He'll be a sports fan, but can take it or leave it.
He'll be one that fits in with "the guys" but also is comfortable around the gals.
He will treat me like a princess and respect me and open doors for me and love me.
Does this man in fact exist? I don't know.
All I can do about it now is hope.

Sara Barellies had it right

I want you so bad I've got a hole in my heart
S.M

February 14th

Valentines Day.
This is my least favorite day. Mostly because of Facebook.
This is the day we single ladies get to watch all the happy happy couples ring in Valentines Day with the ones they love.
We get to see all of them talk about what they got or what they did or how romantic their loved one is...
oh yay.

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it... is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

-St. Augustine, from the movie Captain Corelli's Mandolin